Hello Loneliness №1
Me: Hello Loneliness, what are you doing here…again?
Loneliness: I have something you want.
Me: Something I want? What could I ever want from you?
Loneliness: Understanding.
Me: Understanding of what?
Loneliness: An understanding of me.
Me: OK. You’re right. I do want that.
I was watching the film Needle in a Timestack, with one of my closest friends, Craig. Actually, Craig’s my bromance bud. In this film, people can time jaunt, which means traveling back in time to change the present for selfish reasons or personal gain. Nick, played by Leslie Odom, Jr., travels back in time to give his former self a message, but Nick chooses NOT to time jaunt. He wants the present to be what it should be. When Nick returns to the present, his world has changed drastically. Life is so dire that he questions his sister, ‘Have I always been this lonely?’ This line struck a chord in me. I’ve experienced a great deal of loneliness in my life. Recently, I decided that maybe the best way to deal with Loneliness is to confront it — to look it straight in the eyes and ask, ‘What are you doing here…again?’ Here’s what I’ve learned from Loneliness so far.
Loneliness is nothing to be ashamed of; no emotion is — not lust, jealousy, bitterness, fear, hate or any of the emotions we tend to stigmatize AND judge people for experiencing. Every emotion, including the so-called bad ones, provides us with information we can use to understand ourselves. I used to avoid telling anyone that I was lonely. As a man, I thought it showed weakness, and I didn’t want to hear cure-all statements like, ‘You need to be more social,’ or ‘You know you have people who care about you.’
Is being ‘more social’ a remedy for loneliness? Yes, and well, no. Sometimes spending time with people is just what we need to dissipate feelings of loneliness. However, feelings of loneliness born from trauma, illness or acute conditions are not as easily dispelled. At age 23, I lost Mom. To say Mom and I were close is an understatement. Mom’s death has left a hole that I believe no one and nothing can ever fill. If I could time jaunt, I’d change the past so that her life would have been much longer than 51 years.
You can have people and still feel lonely. Sometimes the people we have make us feel lonely. And this isn’t always or even often because the people we have are ‘bad’. People mess up. We get too comfortable or distracted or whatever. One of my best friends takes several days to return calls and texts; sometimes he never responds. This made me feel lonely. At first, I thought, ‘Percevial, you’re being too sensitive,’ but in time, I realized, I wasn’t. Even though I was afraid, I’ve talked with him — twice. He admitted he was wrong and promised to do better. Time will tell. If someone is making you feel lonely, talk it out and give them a few chances to change. The people we have are worth fighting for.
No matter the cause, loneliness is a legitimate emotion that we can learn from. Emotions are not good or bad; they are information that tells us who we are and sometimes who we are not. We can use the information our emotions provide us to help us build the lives and relationships we want and deserve.
